Many times, the reason why a good relationship is ruined in the due course is that the parties involved try to change each other!
Trying to change others is both futile and frustrating. Furthermore, we cannot see other people the way they truly are, as long as we are preoccupied with trying to change them to the way we would like them to be. The people we should know the most intimately are those who are closest to us. Yet it is precisely these people whom we wish to mould into the image we have developed for them. As long as this attitude prevails, we cannot see them for what they are. How ironic and tragic that those we care for the most may be those we know the least!
Some things in the world are givens, and others are modifiable. The only thing we can really modify is OURSELVES!! All other people are givens. Unfortunately, many people assume the reverse to be true. They accept themselves as givens and expect everyone else to change to accommodate them. (There is one limited exception. When it comes to children, we can teach and guide them. When they mature, however, we can no longer mould them.)
This is clear in the words of Marquis de Custine, a nineteenth century French aristocrat when he said: "As a young man, I was determined to change the world. As I matured, I narrowed my goals to changing my community. Still later, I decided to change only my family. Now I realize that all I can do is to change myself"
So, the key to successfully maintain a relationship is to focus on changing oneself rather than attempting to change others. Let others determine for themselves what/how they wish to be.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Sunday, April 20, 2008
"Monkey" Brand Beer!
The clock in my room showed a bloody1:00 pm when I got up today. I was blind with hunger. Its almost 24 hours since my stomach found some food in it. After finishing my daily routines I drove my body directly to the kitchen with the hope of finding something to eat there. But there the empty utensils laughed at me. "Suffering in the midst of plenty", I thought. This is exactly what the English Poet William Blakes calls the "Mind Forged Manacles". Anyway, my life is like that...no regrets and no complaints.
Crestfallen, I Sat on the sofa. While pondering over the alternatives to solve the stomach's complaints, suddenly last night's (means today afternoon's!) dream knocked the doors of my memory. Normally I dont see dreams. Even if I see something, perhaps I will not remember it. But this one was different dream.
The dream goes like this:
Myself and my mother was in a taxi in Singapore. We were there to visit a zoo. The place was unfamiliar to me and also to my mom. So I mumbled to my mom
"Mom, I think this taxi driver will cheat us -- He will take us through the longest root to take more money. I dont believe any taxi driver in the world"
Mom: "Dont worry buddy, I already checked with the taxi driver how much will he charge. He said 6 Indian dollars (Indian currency is not dollar!) and it seems to me thats fine. Also, you cant tell all the taxi drivers are bad. Good and bad are there everywhere. Even within you and me it is there. So let alone the taxi driver"
Then the taxi stopped under a tree where so many other taxis were also parked and I guessed we reached the zoo. We got out of the taxi. I went to take the entrance ticket.But then returned to mom and said:
"Mom,my purse is empty. All the money I had I spent in a bar. Also you know that I am jobless"
Mom: "Oh, sorry I forgot that. Here is the money to buy ticket. And whatever amount you need to survive, you take from this bag"
I went and collected the ticket. First we went to the monkey section. So many monkeys big and small jumping here and there in their cages.
Mom: "Are you enjoying it?"
Me: "Yes, I am. Its fun to watch monkeys. See one monkey is looking at me" I shouted
Mom: "I am not enjoying it. My heart is sinking. You are a cruel man. There is only evil in you. Thats why you are enjoying this. You are deriving pleasure at the pain of a caged animal. This is cruelty. "My mom cried inconsolably
Me: "Mom, please keep cool. Apart from these monkeys Mr.Tiger and Mrs Peacock is also watching you. please stop.... " I tried to comfort her
"Afterall why do you need to cry? Its right that these animals are caged. But what about me? Your son is also caged. Only difference is that my cage is little bigger. But my life is no different from these animals. I am tied in all the directions.....by unseen ropes. There are people who are deriving pleasure out of my pain too. Probably these animals also are deriving pleasure on seeing the way I live. Its our fate to be caged. Nothing to worry"!!
Mom smiled as if she is happy with my animal life and then disappeared. That was the end and I opened the eyes.
I cant remember when I saw a dream last time. But such a strange dream I have never seen before. May be last night's beer did the trick. Tonight I have to check whether I was drinking "monkey" brand of beer yesterday!!
Crestfallen, I Sat on the sofa. While pondering over the alternatives to solve the stomach's complaints, suddenly last night's (means today afternoon's!) dream knocked the doors of my memory. Normally I dont see dreams. Even if I see something, perhaps I will not remember it. But this one was different dream.
The dream goes like this:
Myself and my mother was in a taxi in Singapore. We were there to visit a zoo. The place was unfamiliar to me and also to my mom. So I mumbled to my mom
"Mom, I think this taxi driver will cheat us -- He will take us through the longest root to take more money. I dont believe any taxi driver in the world"
Mom: "Dont worry buddy, I already checked with the taxi driver how much will he charge. He said 6 Indian dollars (Indian currency is not dollar!) and it seems to me thats fine. Also, you cant tell all the taxi drivers are bad. Good and bad are there everywhere. Even within you and me it is there. So let alone the taxi driver"
Then the taxi stopped under a tree where so many other taxis were also parked and I guessed we reached the zoo. We got out of the taxi. I went to take the entrance ticket.But then returned to mom and said:
"Mom,my purse is empty. All the money I had I spent in a bar. Also you know that I am jobless"
Mom: "Oh, sorry I forgot that. Here is the money to buy ticket. And whatever amount you need to survive, you take from this bag"
I went and collected the ticket. First we went to the monkey section. So many monkeys big and small jumping here and there in their cages.
Mom: "Are you enjoying it?"
Me: "Yes, I am. Its fun to watch monkeys. See one monkey is looking at me" I shouted
Mom: "I am not enjoying it. My heart is sinking. You are a cruel man. There is only evil in you. Thats why you are enjoying this. You are deriving pleasure at the pain of a caged animal. This is cruelty. "My mom cried inconsolably
Me: "Mom, please keep cool. Apart from these monkeys Mr.Tiger and Mrs Peacock is also watching you. please stop.... " I tried to comfort her
"Afterall why do you need to cry? Its right that these animals are caged. But what about me? Your son is also caged. Only difference is that my cage is little bigger. But my life is no different from these animals. I am tied in all the directions.....by unseen ropes. There are people who are deriving pleasure out of my pain too. Probably these animals also are deriving pleasure on seeing the way I live. Its our fate to be caged. Nothing to worry"!!
Mom smiled as if she is happy with my animal life and then disappeared. That was the end and I opened the eyes.
I cant remember when I saw a dream last time. But such a strange dream I have never seen before. May be last night's beer did the trick. Tonight I have to check whether I was drinking "monkey" brand of beer yesterday!!
Monday, April 14, 2008
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Springing back to life
The most important characteristic of life is that, whenever you are down life thorws another lifeline! In my case, these photos will testify the above statement! I strongly believe that there is a reason behind everything that happen in our lives. So if I look "HAPPY" in these photos, there IS definitely a reason behind it!!(I dont want to be responsible for reducing your IQ level by saying it openly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am just springing back to life from the gutters of tragedies!
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Commitments
"The cook is the mind, and the ingredients are decisions. The dish is self-confidence, and the one who eats is the heart.
"The dish is ruined if not fully cooked, and if the cook puts nothing in the pot, what is there to eat?"
Making commitments is an inevitable part of our lives, I guess. But many times we are not able to fulfill it. Why this happen so is largely due to the game between mind(intellect) and heart(emotions). In the calm and quiet, we commit to being the cheese in the trap. But when the rat approaches, the cheese begins to crumble! We've all made commitments in the calm of a comfortable arm chair, only to lose our initial enthusiasm when the consequences of those commitments become clear.
How many decisions have we made, only to look back a year or more later and say, 'how naive we were'? It's easy to make decisions. But keeping that commitment is difficult - because we are fighting the strength of our heart and emotions.
Suppose you are starting a love affair. Initially you feel it a very nice experiece. But the moment he/she ask you to marry him/her, suddenly you will find yourself in the reverse gear! Why? Because at that point of time you start thinking realistically.....at that point the awareness unrolls the outer skin and comes out. That will force you to see things from an entirely different angle. If both of you had full awareness of the consequences initially therewont be any major problem -- the love affair will grow into marriage. Otherwise it just fails pathetically.
So what is the solution to this problem? The solution is never to make any decisions with mind alone. You have to involve your heart at the beginning. The heart and mind is a partnership. Would you buy a house without the agreement of your spouse? Don't make choices without the agreement of your heart.
Don't think this means we should make decisions with the heart alone. The mind has to lead the way. The mind is the best tool for the job. But don't neglect the heart. The key is to get it to agree, by showing it the advantages of your decision.
Remember the Golden Rule: Never break a commitment because of your heart's complaint. If you do, your heart will never take you seriously again. If you always keep your commitments you will gain an inner feeling of self-respect and confidence.
Furthermore, when your heart is naturally in on every decision, it 'knows' it's serious. But if you don't follow through on a decision, then the heart says, "Why bother making a fuss now, I'll wait until it gets difficult. Then I will just puff a little, and he will give in." Your heart is the seat of emotions. If your heart thinks you are not serious, if your heart has no confidence in you, then that is the emotion you will feel. In modern lexicon, this is called "low self esteem."
If you want your heart to have confidence in your mind, you have to start by following the decisions of your mind. And if you really want to gain self confidence, don't avoid making decisions, look for them.
May you be able to fulfill your commitments in life!
"The dish is ruined if not fully cooked, and if the cook puts nothing in the pot, what is there to eat?"
Making commitments is an inevitable part of our lives, I guess. But many times we are not able to fulfill it. Why this happen so is largely due to the game between mind(intellect) and heart(emotions). In the calm and quiet, we commit to being the cheese in the trap. But when the rat approaches, the cheese begins to crumble! We've all made commitments in the calm of a comfortable arm chair, only to lose our initial enthusiasm when the consequences of those commitments become clear.
How many decisions have we made, only to look back a year or more later and say, 'how naive we were'? It's easy to make decisions. But keeping that commitment is difficult - because we are fighting the strength of our heart and emotions.
Suppose you are starting a love affair. Initially you feel it a very nice experiece. But the moment he/she ask you to marry him/her, suddenly you will find yourself in the reverse gear! Why? Because at that point of time you start thinking realistically.....at that point the awareness unrolls the outer skin and comes out. That will force you to see things from an entirely different angle. If both of you had full awareness of the consequences initially therewont be any major problem -- the love affair will grow into marriage. Otherwise it just fails pathetically.
So what is the solution to this problem? The solution is never to make any decisions with mind alone. You have to involve your heart at the beginning. The heart and mind is a partnership. Would you buy a house without the agreement of your spouse? Don't make choices without the agreement of your heart.
Don't think this means we should make decisions with the heart alone. The mind has to lead the way. The mind is the best tool for the job. But don't neglect the heart. The key is to get it to agree, by showing it the advantages of your decision.
Remember the Golden Rule: Never break a commitment because of your heart's complaint. If you do, your heart will never take you seriously again. If you always keep your commitments you will gain an inner feeling of self-respect and confidence.
Furthermore, when your heart is naturally in on every decision, it 'knows' it's serious. But if you don't follow through on a decision, then the heart says, "Why bother making a fuss now, I'll wait until it gets difficult. Then I will just puff a little, and he will give in." Your heart is the seat of emotions. If your heart thinks you are not serious, if your heart has no confidence in you, then that is the emotion you will feel. In modern lexicon, this is called "low self esteem."
If you want your heart to have confidence in your mind, you have to start by following the decisions of your mind. And if you really want to gain self confidence, don't avoid making decisions, look for them.
May you be able to fulfill your commitments in life!
Thursday, April 3, 2008
The Beck & Brick Theories of Working
We all are characters in a "divine work drama", in which scientists wanted to become painters and doctors wanted to become actors!!
At some point of your career, you might have thought that this was not the career you had actually wished for. What happens in most of the cases is that, instead of we choose a career, most of us (of course including me) fell victim to a career!! Our necessity for earning money makes us accept whatever comes in our way. Later on when we realize there are certain things in life which are more important than money (unfortunately this we realize after we earn a threshold level of money!!), the frustration starts ringing its bell. This article is an attempt to understand the dynamics behind the job frustration, through the prism of my own experience.
Many times I felt that I am wasting my life wrestling with the keyboard and the content of the papers on my table, demanding different requirements for the equipments installed to serve the process industry. I think that this is due in large part to the fact that I stare at a computer every day performing menial tasks that I feel trivial. On top of that, my brain is not the only thing that is hurting -- my heart is not doing well either because as I sit here and think back to what I thought I would do with my life, I can't help but get depressed.
Two Types of Approaches Towards Work
1. The Beck Theory of Working
I have sought outside comfort and advice from friends, family and some experts I know to try and give me perspective on this issue. One day, while discussing with one of my friends, he told me about the life of a musician called “Beck”. Beck's life goal was to play music -- so much so that during the day he would work any odd job he could find so that he could have enough money to live. This would leave his evenings, and any other free time he had available for his real passion: music. This approach is what I would like to call the “Beck Theory of Working”
The Beck Theory of Working considers our job only as a support mechanism for the higher purposes in life and hence we should not worry about the job. It insists you go to work even though you don’t like it, so that you can earn money to live and utilize any “spare time” available for holier purposes. It’s a good idea to get rid of job frustration, isn’t it? But the problem is that I will have a nervous breakdown in the due course if I subscribe to “Beck Theory of Working”
2. The Brick Theory of Working
The "Brick Theory of Working," is based on a parable I read elsewhere. A wealthy and idiosyncratic king hired a poor farmer to do his bidding for him, for which he paid him handsomely. The work assigned to the farmer was to move piles of brick from one end of the field to another, and then back again -- all day long, and without reason!! At first the farmer was appreciative because he was poor and was finding it difficult to make ends meet on his farm. However, in time, he began to resent the work. Despite the fact that the farmer was being paid handsomely, within a few weeks, he quit. The incredulous king asked why, especially in light of his salary. The farmer responded, "I don't care how much you pay me. All I do is move piles of brick back and forth for no reason. I can't live with myself because I don't accomplish anything useful."
The Brick Theory of Working explains that human beings will not be happy with professions that simply require them to move bricks without reason, or other similar professions because at our deepest level, we are creative beings. One of the goals of life is to strive to be "like God" and just as God is creative (He is the ultimate Creator -- after all, He created the universe), we too must create in some way, and we will never feel fulfilled in our professions until we are able to unleash that creative energy.
It's probably no surprise to learn that I have come up with at least one answer in my search: I ascribe to the Brick Theory of Working. The advantage of this school of thought is that I don't have to accept the idea of spending a lifetime in an unfulfilling career. The disadvantage is that I have to come to terms with my present job and the fact that it will discourage me to see any alternative career avenues in the short term anyway.
Although I continue to struggle to understand my place in the working world, I take solace in my belief that everything ultimately happens for a reason (believe me dude, no one will pay you for no reason!!). Even though I cannot see the value of what I am doing now (apart from sitting idle and writing mails!!), there is certainly some purpose in it. And when I finally find the career path that I am destined for, I know that what I have learned over the past few years will make me better in whatever I do.
In the interim, seems like I have no choice but to continue to move piles of bricks. Hopefully, soon I'll be able to take those piles of bricks and build a beautiful castle (may be a 100 storey building!!), who knows?? I am waiting for the right time to come. At this moment I can only say “Que Sera Sera” (Whatever will be will be).
At some point of your career, you might have thought that this was not the career you had actually wished for. What happens in most of the cases is that, instead of we choose a career, most of us (of course including me) fell victim to a career!! Our necessity for earning money makes us accept whatever comes in our way. Later on when we realize there are certain things in life which are more important than money (unfortunately this we realize after we earn a threshold level of money!!), the frustration starts ringing its bell. This article is an attempt to understand the dynamics behind the job frustration, through the prism of my own experience.
Many times I felt that I am wasting my life wrestling with the keyboard and the content of the papers on my table, demanding different requirements for the equipments installed to serve the process industry. I think that this is due in large part to the fact that I stare at a computer every day performing menial tasks that I feel trivial. On top of that, my brain is not the only thing that is hurting -- my heart is not doing well either because as I sit here and think back to what I thought I would do with my life, I can't help but get depressed.
Two Types of Approaches Towards Work
1. The Beck Theory of Working
I have sought outside comfort and advice from friends, family and some experts I know to try and give me perspective on this issue. One day, while discussing with one of my friends, he told me about the life of a musician called “Beck”. Beck's life goal was to play music -- so much so that during the day he would work any odd job he could find so that he could have enough money to live. This would leave his evenings, and any other free time he had available for his real passion: music. This approach is what I would like to call the “Beck Theory of Working”
The Beck Theory of Working considers our job only as a support mechanism for the higher purposes in life and hence we should not worry about the job. It insists you go to work even though you don’t like it, so that you can earn money to live and utilize any “spare time” available for holier purposes. It’s a good idea to get rid of job frustration, isn’t it? But the problem is that I will have a nervous breakdown in the due course if I subscribe to “Beck Theory of Working”
2. The Brick Theory of Working
The "Brick Theory of Working," is based on a parable I read elsewhere. A wealthy and idiosyncratic king hired a poor farmer to do his bidding for him, for which he paid him handsomely. The work assigned to the farmer was to move piles of brick from one end of the field to another, and then back again -- all day long, and without reason!! At first the farmer was appreciative because he was poor and was finding it difficult to make ends meet on his farm. However, in time, he began to resent the work. Despite the fact that the farmer was being paid handsomely, within a few weeks, he quit. The incredulous king asked why, especially in light of his salary. The farmer responded, "I don't care how much you pay me. All I do is move piles of brick back and forth for no reason. I can't live with myself because I don't accomplish anything useful."
The Brick Theory of Working explains that human beings will not be happy with professions that simply require them to move bricks without reason, or other similar professions because at our deepest level, we are creative beings. One of the goals of life is to strive to be "like God" and just as God is creative (He is the ultimate Creator -- after all, He created the universe), we too must create in some way, and we will never feel fulfilled in our professions until we are able to unleash that creative energy.
It's probably no surprise to learn that I have come up with at least one answer in my search: I ascribe to the Brick Theory of Working. The advantage of this school of thought is that I don't have to accept the idea of spending a lifetime in an unfulfilling career. The disadvantage is that I have to come to terms with my present job and the fact that it will discourage me to see any alternative career avenues in the short term anyway.
Although I continue to struggle to understand my place in the working world, I take solace in my belief that everything ultimately happens for a reason (believe me dude, no one will pay you for no reason!!). Even though I cannot see the value of what I am doing now (apart from sitting idle and writing mails!!), there is certainly some purpose in it. And when I finally find the career path that I am destined for, I know that what I have learned over the past few years will make me better in whatever I do.
In the interim, seems like I have no choice but to continue to move piles of bricks. Hopefully, soon I'll be able to take those piles of bricks and build a beautiful castle (may be a 100 storey building!!), who knows?? I am waiting for the right time to come. At this moment I can only say “Que Sera Sera” (Whatever will be will be).
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
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